Ei, Looking for work?
Well, brace yourself and read
so you can prepare yourself, OK?
Please be advised that there are NEW rules and regulations implemented
to raise the efficiency of our company in 2006.
- A. TRANSPORTATION:
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.
we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially
and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation,
we assume that you must have lots of savings & money
therefore you do not need a raise.
If you drive a Proton, you are right where you need to be
and therefore you do not need a raise,too.
- B. ANNUAL LEAVE:
Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
- C. LUNCH BREAK:
1) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more
so that they can look healthy.
2) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal
to maintain their average figure.
) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch,
because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
- D. SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept MC Cert as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
- E. TOILET USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.
There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles.
At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound,
the toilet paper roll will retract,
the door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offence,
your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board
under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
- F. SURGERY:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.
You should not consider removing anything.
We hired you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
- G. INTERNET USAGE:
All personal internet usage will be recorded and charges
will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and
if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary.
Just for the record, 73% of the staff will not be entitled
for any salary for the next 3 months
as their internet charges has exceeded their 3 months' salary.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplation, consternation and input
should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice day!
*Better still, be your own Boss!
Start your own business....
para walang reklamo!