LETTING GO

THE DAYS are getting better and the nights colder.... I get to sleep right away as soon as I touch the covers. I guess I've been like this since I let go of everything.... I have had a number of encounters with tears in my life. But I had to be strong. There's no one else to care about me, anyway....except me, I and myself. Yeah, I may have siblings alright, but they have their own world now and their family matter first, I guess. And I, second. Can't blame them, though.... Since my parents passed away, LIFE was never the same.It used to be perfect when Tatay and Nanay were here.Now, it's not. ***** I used to share every thoughts with Nanay. I guess that was how we were....close enough that my siblings resented it.They thought I was too close to Nanay for their comfort. You see, Nanay always had her eyes on me....I didn't realize it then...I do, now. But even if tried to slip away from her 'dragon eyes' and eagles' claws sometimes [to attend some birthday parties of friends or that Fiesta in Guadalupe with Becca], I always tried to make amends with her. I helped the HHelp with the household chores and talked to her. She may have "snobbed" me by pretending not to listen....but I know she did. A neighbor who attended her wake told me so. I learned about how she felt about me compared to my siblings from Mrs. N. She related so many incidents that made me cry no end.... Nanay appreciated everything! I thought she never did... She was one type who never showed her feelings. She may have hugged her 'APOs' by my elder siblings,but I never remember being hugged by her. I did hug her....and she wasn't able to complain. It was on her deathbed, as I whispered that prayer she taught me, tears rolling from our eyes....That was the first and the last time I hugged her......and told her "Mahal kita, 'Nay!"..... ***** Nanay was raised by a strict Aunt, Lola Thalia Villamor. Her mother died while she was barely walking and her father later remarried. She never felt loved then. When she had her family,she showered us with all the attention she never got in her childhood...but she never got to the point where she could express her Love in words or actions. She became possessive and super strict no one among my callers got past her.She categorically yelled at the callers that "Walang C. dito!" My, oh my! Oh yes, I knew she loved us.But the concrete manifestations were never present in her. She ran the household perfectly, and had time for us....but the kisses and hugs were never present. I felt her love even despite that. My Tatay supplied the pats and the gestures Nanay never showed. There were times when we would run to Tatay when Nanay got angry. And Tatay, not wanting to earn my mother's ire, would just comment "Kaya sunod, 'kinig na kay Nanay, ha?" When Nanay is not around, he'd comfort us by giving extra pocket money secretly, or buying a new set of the latest fashion brought exclusively from HK [sold in ChinaTown ]. Being young, we were happy, and we easily forget what happened. >>>>I received the most. A HS teacher once commented, "Hoy, C., mukhang pareho tayo ng suot ha?" I was wearing something better, I thought. She asked me where I bought them. I told her it was a present from my Father. She never treated me the same after that.She knew my Father travelled a lot. I feel my parents really loved each other. They may be poles apart [like the color of their skin which was the butt of joke then]. Tatay was super duper "kumikinang sa puti," while Nanay was the supreme Morena. BUT they remained together even if Tatay had the every opportunity to leave for his native country so many times....He never wanted to die in any other place.I guess he loved the country of his Love One.He wanted his remains buried in Manila. ***** REMEMBERING isn't that painful anymore. It may bring a tear or two....but not as painful as when it was new. I guess it's true: "TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS." I do not know why I keep on remembering the days gone past... Is it because I am sooo lonely I wished they were here with me? Or....is it time to realize that I have gone over that emptiness within me? I do not know.... I'll let things happen naturally hereon as I move forward to a new tomorrow......